So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.--Jesus

The warm breeze gently blew through the louvered windows lining the wall of the small cabin on the edge of the jungle. It had been a perfect day with sea, sun and each other, and now as they lay in each others arms listening to the night sounds and enjoying each other in fuller ways than ever before, it seemed there could be no higher joy, fullness or pleasure that could be experienced--and yet they found as the years went by the wonder of their intimacy continued to increase beyond expression. This holiday was during year twenty of their marriage, and each year just got better!

The human heart longs for intimacy. We were created that way. There is no human relationship that can take the place of an intelligent relationship with our Creator; but the intimate relationships of family were given to us to fill the deepest human needs and longings of our hearts.

Within a safe, committed, relationship two become ‘one flesh’ in both an emotional and physical way, they enter the doorway through which the greatest pleasures and responsibilities of life lie. True intimacy can only follow commitment, where each is willing to put the others best interest before their own. The families’ best interest must be placed before self interest. Children, when they come, are not objects for personal gratification, but human beings created through love and entrusted to the parents to nurture and love.

Intimacy is not giving up our individuality or damaging our free will, but intelligently choosing to give ourselves to each other and become a unit. We choose a life of personal growth and maturity together, and seek for the others best good. Intimacy branches into every aspect of our lives. In true intimacy we respect each others boundaries, we know where ‘I’ stop and ‘You’ begin, and we know where ‘We’ are together. Intimacy doesn’t mean controlling each other, but a mutual, intelligent sharing and rejoicing together in a cooperative life experience.

Once we choose to move into deep emotional and then physical bonding through sexual relationship, there are physical changes that take place in our brains, in the limbic system. Breaking this bond has serious, even disastrous, consequences. This is one very important reason that this type of intimacy needs to be protected by both a sacred and legal covenant. Even in the world of business important events are protected by special instruments such as deeds and contracts. If we give our life savings to purchase a property, we want to be reasonably sure that we will receive a clear title to it. In real estate there is the term of ‘Due Diligence’, meaning that the parties involved investigate completely what the transaction means that there are no surprises when the transaction is complete. We would not be happy if after we had purchased a property and moved in we received notice that it, in fact, was not really ours, and we were expected to move out—without being able to ever get back what we had put into it! No matter what you might take with you from a broken relationship, you never get back what you loose—never. The deep emotional wounding and hurt can heal, but there will be scars that will last the entire life. Like cutting off an arm or leg, there will be permanent damage.

Emotional and physical bonding with another person are very serious things, impacting the rest of the life—and the lives of many others we are involved with, like extended family and friends. This step should never be taken lightly, but when intelligently taken by mature intervals willing to respect each other and work at it, it is the most joyous experience that humans can know on earth—a taste of heaven.

One practical aspect of intimacy is understanding what makes the other feel emotionally full. The beginning of many break ups is emotional starvation in the jungle of life. Sexual relationship will not be fulfilling in an emotionally starved relationship, it will only mock the inner needs.

While for a man sexual release is a very physical thing, for a woman it is deeply emotional without as much of the physical pressure that a man feels. There is a reason for this: As a man’s body produces the semen, there develops a physical pressure for release. This is accentuated in a sexually active man. Your man feels a strong physical pressure for sexual release, outside of the emotional aspects of it. Being understanding of this is helpful for a thoughtful wife.

To experience sexual fulfilment a woman needs to feel a strong emotional security and love. This cannot always be accomplished by physical affection, and encompasses the whole of the relationship. Harsh words, inattention to her needs or not taking time for her will surely turn off the sex part of her brain. She needs the husband to be understanding of her emotional needs, just as he needs her to be understanding of his physical needs. In true intimacy we care about the other as though they were ourselves. The husband may have to slow down with his physical desires and spend some time talking, caressing, and engaging in meaningful foreplay. This not only is fun, but is something to do together, not something one is doing to the other. There is much more to meaningful sex than rushing to orgasm, and couples who experience ongoing, deepening, sexual intimacy talk to each other about this aspect of their relationship and continue to find ways to bring joy and pleasure to the other partner. When this aspect of the union is protected by a sacred and respected bond, it frees the couple to really give themselves to each other. This is never an excuse for one hurting the other, and in true love mutual respect only grows. After all, this is not only sharing in joy and pleasure together, but sharing in the act of creation as this expression of ongoing love results in new life being added to the family.

Listen to this interesting audio clip about sex>>

Dr. Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate) talks about another aspect of this which he calls our emotional love language, and his hypothesis seems sound and the conclusions he draws work time and time again. He reasons that we each have a primary love language and this is the main way we experience emotional love. He talks about what he calls our ‘love tank, and when this tank is empty, we become emotionally starved, loose our sense of intimacy and well being and have nothing to give.  While not the entire picture, he feels this is a major aspect of many broken relationships.

Dr. Chapman breaks human love languages down into five basic groups:
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch
  • Gifts
  • Affirmation
  • Acts of service
Understanding our own, and our partners primary love language is vital to meeting the emotional needs in a relationship. Generally, Dr. Chapman has noted, we tend to respond to the other with reference to our own primary love language. If physical touch is our thing, we will try to cuddle the other person all the time. If their primary language is acts of service, our constant cuddling will most likely frustrate them. If we carry the trash out, cook a meal or fold their clothes for them, then they might really respond to our cuddling!

What is your primary love language? What is that of your partner? Do they melt when you pick a handful of flowers from the field next door? Then their primary language may be gifts. The gift doesn’t have to be big, or expensive; just something that says you care and remembered them! Your man may not care anything for a gift, but telling him how much you appreciate him paying the bills, or his skills at carpentry may just fuel his emotional fire. Do some research, and talk with each other about these things. It’s not only fun, but it adds to the intimacy in ways that can only be experienced to be enjoyed and understood. When we choose to give ourselves to each other in these kinds of ways, it keeps getting better, and we have a foundation to build a healthy family upon.